Erectile Dysfunction – A Common Problem

Erectile dysfunction or impotence is a very common problem among men. It mainly affects middle-aged men although it can be seen at any age. The term erectile dysfunction covers a range of disorders related to sexual problems and sexual dysfunction. However, the main problem is inability to obtain adequate erection for satisfactory sexual activity.

It is normal that as men age, they experience changes in erectile function. They may feel that erections take longer to develop, may not be as firm or may require more direct stimulation to be achieved. They may also notice that orgasms are less intense, the volume of ejaculate is reduced and recovery time increases between erections. Although most men consider erectile dysfunction as an embarrassing problem, it's important for them to seek treatment. In most of the cases, erectile dysfunction can be successfully treated.

These days a wide variety of options exist for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. These include anything from medications and simple mechanical devices to surgery and psychological counseling. The cause and severity of condition determines the best treatment or combination of treatments for a patient.

The oral medications available to treat erectile dysfunction include Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. All three of these drugs are approved by the Food and Drug Administration. They have been clinically tested for their safety and effectiveness. Also, these three work in much the same way and are believed to help most of the men.

However, it is important to remember that these medications cannot fix erectile dysfunction in one day. It will take some time before things are back to normal. Dosages may need to be adjusted. Side effects may vary. Considering these factors, it is important that before taking these drugs one must discuss with a doctor the potential benefits and side effects of these drugs.

5 Sexual Activities That Turn Off Women

I looked at her like she was crazy.

About a month ago, I was engaged in a deep conversation with a female "friend" of mine. The topic was what "turns on" women. My point was a guy should focus on pleasing a woman. She on the other hand, had the viewpoint that guys should be ONLY concerned with eliminating the behaviors which can "turn-off" a woman.

Well after arguing for half an hour, I realized she had some valid points. In fact, I came to the conclusion that all guys can learn a lot about what turns off women. If you can avoid them, you'll take that crucial first step towards pleasing a woman. And here are the 5 most common sexual things which turn off women.

1- Bad hygiene

Seriously, women hate when guys smell or have poor hygiene. Before you even think about hopping in the sack, you should make sure you've showered and don't smell like you've run a marathon. In addition, it's important to do the proper maintenance actions like shaving, applying deodorant, cleaning your ears and brushing your teeth.

2- Being a poor kisser

Women love guys who can kiss with passion. The converse is they hate guys who either act too wussy or too aggressive when they kiss. This means if your kissing skills lack a punch, then you'll probably disgust her. If you want to turn her on, it's important to find out how to kiss and work hard at applying this technique.

3- Acting like a wimp

The simple truth about sex is women want to be with men who act like MEN. If you're acting like a wimp in the bedroom, then you're turning her off. Wussy behavior involves asking her if "she's enjoying herself" or being too afraid to try new things.

4- Acting too aggressive

Now being too aggressive is just as bad as acting like a wimp. When you try to push a woman around you'll display disgusting behavior. If she thinks you're only concerned with your own pleasure, then she won't enjoy sex with you. While women want men who act confidently, you should NEVER get too aggressive with a woman.

5- Rushing things

Women love the entire process of sex. To them, the build up and foreplay is as just as important as the main act. So if you rush through things, you'll probably turn off your woman. To make a woman enjoy herself, you should take your time and focus on her pleasure.

As I said at the start of the article, there is a lot to be learned about women's sexuality. If you can eliminate (or never display) the 5 behaviors I list in this article, you'll discover that it's easy to please your woman.

Society Attitudes Towards Dating Disabled Persons

Society on the whole displays an open and understanding attitude towards people living with disabilities. However the picture changes drastically when it comes to dating disabled persons.

Society has long overlooked the need for intimacy and sex of persons living with disability. This makes it very difficult for those with disabilities to express their need for intimate relationships and find suitable partners.

In recent time, efforts are being made by individuals and organisations alike to solve this problem. Disabled dating is a phenomenon that has emerged from these efforts.

Disabled dating implies that either one or both the partners in the dating relationship suffer from some kind of impairment. The impairment may be physical, like an amputated limb or a hearing impairment. On the other hand it could also mean a mental disability like a mental illness or personality disorder or a chronic medical condition like multiple sclerosis (MS).

However, whatever the condition may be, dating for disabled people presents its own special challenges. Research has shown that more people are open to accepting a physical disability in their partners rather than a mental or medical one. They feel that such disabilities do not make the other person very different from themselves and as such it will be little different from dating anyone else.

With more severe conditions however, the average person is confronted with a world that may be unknown to him or her. They are then unsure of how they will deal with the challenges that lie ahead and this makes them reluctant to enter into a relationship.

Studies on attitudes to dating disabled persons have shown that there are largely three groups of people. The largest group consists of those who would decide on disabled dating on the basis of the specific disability of their potential partner and how confident they would feel in the situation.

The second group of people are those who stress that it would make no difference to them if their potential partner suffered from a disability. They feel that having a disability would merely physically limit certain things their partner could or could not do but would not make him or her any different otherwise. The partners character, rather than his or her physical appearance, would be of greater concern.

The third group on the other hand, are very clear that disability dating is not for them. They feel that dealing with the disability would mean a huge responsibility, especially if it was a permanent one. They are reluctant to shoulder the additional burden a disabled person might present on top of the normal pressures of a relationship.

Once a connection has been made, the success of a disabled dating relationship, just like any other relationship, depends on the level of understanding between the partners. Even when both partners are disabled, it would be wrong to assume that one will automatically understand the others handicap, unless both suffer the same condition. A clear conception of the partners impairment and its implications goes a long way in easing the challenges ahead.

Top Concerns About Dating That Worry Disabled People

Dating can be a fun and exciting way to make new friends and find that someone special. But at the same time it can be stressful, worrying and quite difficult!

All men and women share some basic concerns. The same dating worries plague disabled people too. But in addition there are some special concerns that revolve around disability itself.

A glance at the message board of any disabled dating site reveals the host of anxieties that cloud the horizon. Dating presents a real challenge for disabled people and queries range from handling the first date to fertility issues.

Some of the common concerns are -

Self consciousness - Feeling that everyone-is-looking-at-me is quite often a constant companion of disabled singles. However, for a relationship to work, both parties have to like the other for themselves. So, while the dating partner has to look beyond the disability, the disabled person too has to stop constantly trying to assess the others reactions!

Companionship - Most singles share this concern and for those living with a limiting disability, it is one of the primary reasons for entering into a dating relationship. Finding the right partner and coping with the future as a single are a constant worry. Hence combating feelings of loneliness and a need for companionship rank high on the list of concerns.

Attitudes towards the disabled - When dating able bodied persons, disabled people are concerned about how their disability will be received. Two people may have been connecting online for a while but when they decide to meet in person, both are worried about the disability angle. They are conscious that believing something in theory and being able to live out those beliefs in reality are different ball games altogether.

And hence the fear of whether the impairment will prove repulsive and how it will affect the relationship surfaces. The dating site Lovebyrd advises -You are not defined by your disability, so do not let your disability represent you on your date.

Sustaining long term relationships - Many of those who are in dating relationships wonder whether they will be able to sustain them in the long run. For the disabled in particular, the worry is how their partner will cope with the day-to-day challenges of living with a disability.

Sexual desirability and performance - While dating, disabled people tend to be very conscious of how desirable they appear to their partner. Feelings of inadequacy and low self-image raise their ugly heads and if these thoughts are not combated successfully they can hamper the relationship and prevent both partners from having a good time.

Sexual performance can be hampered by impairment and problems like impotency and loss of libido are very real. How this will impact the relationship depends on the strength of the bond formed earlier.

Fertility issues - Fertility problems and the possibility of not being able to have children are issues that many disabled people are challenged with. The dating relationship can be affected by this and the reaction of the partner becomes vital to the continuance of the alliance.

The only solution to this is an open discussion. Do not be afraid to voice your concerns - only then will you know what the person at the other end feels. Be confident about yourself and it will all work out!

Adult Friend Finders - The Untold Secrets Of Adult Friend Finders

If you haven't heard of such adult friend finder services before, then where have you been? They boast a huge following of over 50 million people worldwide who use such services, making them the largest personals community in the world. There are a few things you need to know about using these services before you decide to get involved.

What Are You Looking For?

When using an adult friend finder, you have to know what you are looking for. The majority of uses tend to want to meet people who are looking for something short term. Also it's a good way to gather other swingers into your community. This is probably the biggest reason why people choose to use an adult friend finder.

If you are after more of a long term relationship, then you are probably best off going with an online dating service. There is a great deal of online dating services out there, but my recommendation would be to go for one of the larger ones that have more people in the community. That way you will be able to get to know more people and chances are you will be able to find someone suitable for you more easily.

Searching Adult Friend Finders

If you are already a member at an adult friend finder, but find it hard to use the search option to find other swingers in the community, then you have to try and keep one thing in mind. Are you being specific enough? A lot of the time, people mistakenly find other swingers a great deal of distance away from their local area, making it impossible to catch up in person.

Make sure when making your searches you be as specific about the location of the swingers you want to chat to. Also be as specific as possible when it comes to the type of person you are after. Put down every characteristic of the personality you are after, that way the results you receive will be much smaller and more exact towards what you want in a person.

Sometimes people start chatting to someone who they met randomly in an adult friend finder and after a while, find out they are not the person they originally intended on meeting. A lot of heartbreak can be caused just by this one error, so make sure you are as specific as possible.

If you follow these guidelines, you will be sure to meet a whole bunch of people that you find exciting and can get to know more in the future.

Rabbit Vibrators - a Girls Best Friend

It's true they are a girl's best friend. In fact some women will tell you that if it’s a choice between their rabbit vibrator or their guy then the guys got to go. But how has this toy shot to the top of the vibrator charts. Upon investigation we can see that this can primarily be attributed to two separate factors:-

Firstly, the rabbit vibrator is effective simplistic design at its best. Whilst retaining the off-balance vibration motors found on traditional vibrators the secret to the rabbit vibrators effectiveness is in the manner in which the vibrator is used. Traditional vibrators deployed the vibrator in a location within the base of the shaft of the toy. This in tern enabled the shaft to vibrate.

There was however a simple design flaw. The user was only able to target one area of her vagina at a time. If inserted the clitoris received no stimulation whatsoever from the vibrator. The designer of the original rabbit vibrator recognized this flaw and produced a design that appealed both to the eye and to the body.

Rather than place the vibrator unit inside the shaft it was attached to the side. The real stroke of genius came in placing the vibrator unit within a rabbit shaped section that featured soft plastic ears that when used vibrated on either side of the clitoral hood. In such a fashion direct clitoral stimulation was possible with the vibrator inserted. Pure genius.

Secondly due to its effectiveness the rabbit vibrator soon started to receive media attention previously unheard of for products of an adult nature. This media attention peaked when a rabbit vibrator was featured on the hit US television show Sex and The City. In this show one of the main characters became completely addicted to her rabbit vibrator, rushing home to get her fix. This placed the rabbit vibrator in front of an audience of literally millions of viewers and soon became a star in its own right.

Nowadays rabbit vibrators are known to all as quite simply one of the best variants of sex toys available to buy and one of the best ranges of adult products ever produced. Anne Summers, the UK’s leading supplier of adult products with 121 high street stores consistently reports the Rabbit vibrator variants to be their best selling product. Record breaking Christmas sales were largely attributable to the huge amount of rabbit vibrators people found under the tree on Christmas morning. In fact, such was the demand for these products Anne Summers actually trademarked one of the Rabbit varieties to prevent rival adult companies using the name.

It’s clear that in the world of adult product there are a large number of products that look great, sound great and promise the world but in reality deliver very little. The rabbit range of vibrators delivers what they promise at a very affordable price. So the question is what will Santa be bringing you this year?

Kama Sutra - Some Great Kama Sutra Positions

The Kama Sutra is full of wonderfully pleasurable positions that can help to increase the level of passion and excitement in the bedroom. This article will aim to discuss some of the most popular positions that you may or may not have tried with your partner already.

The Half-Pressed Position

The half-pressed Kama Sutra position is a great way to stimulate pleasure for both the man and woman in the relationship. One of the best things about the half-pressed position is that it enables the woman's clitoris to be stimulated during intercourse. This is how it works -

The man starts on both knees and pulls the woman in towards him. She is on the back and should proceed to press her thighs up against either side of his waste. The next step is for the man. He should then take one of her legs and bend it at the knee and pull her foot in towards his chest area, where it will stay pressed up between both pecks.

He should place on hand on the top of her ankle of the raised leg and the other on her knee. Her leg should be pressed firmly up against her chest. From this position, her vagina should tighten, therefore enabling her clitoris to feel pressure during intercourse.

This is a great position for both members of the relationship as the pleasure attained can be enormous when done correctly. If you haven't tried this before then I recommend you give it a go!

The Splitting Of A Bamboo

The splitting of a bamboo is a great position that also enables pressure to be placed on the clitoris. This on is very similar to the pressed position apart from a couple of details. First of all the position starts with the woman lying on her back and the man on top(missionary). From there the man should bring one of his legs up so that his knee is bent. His other leg should stay stretched out.

From here he should take her leg on the same side as his kneeling leg and place it over his shoulder on the same side. She should then embrace his right pelvis with her hands. Once this has occurred he should then lean forward and continue from there. This again will help to create an enormous amount of tightness around the vagina and both people will experience huge pleasure. Give it a go!

Does Penis Size Matter To Women

Men give a huge amount of attention to their penis size. For most men, size does matter.

But does penis size matter to women?

Some say yes, others disagree. The subject is a never ending controversy. Men and women constantly argue this matter, and magazines often feature articles on the topic.

For women however, sometimes size simply does matter. Gina from Los Angeles had this to say:

I have been in a relationship man who I think is amazing. We have much in common, and everything is great. The trouble is that when we have sex, I just cant feel him inside of me. There is just no contact with my clitoris. It doesnt matter how long he stays at it, I just cant feel his cock.

With other men, I can have an orgasm in just a couple of minutes, but he is so small, I just cant. I dont really want to get into specifics, but his penis is about 4 1/2 inches long and very thin. I try to remind myself that his penis size doesnt matter, but the fact is that I should be able to have good sex and good orgasms.

Not only can I not orgasm, but I am also worried that he isnt feeling much either, which worries me to the point where I feel like less of a woman when Im with him. I dont know what other women would do in this situation, but Im definitely confused and upset about it. Here is this guy that knows so much about me and I love him to death and everything between us is going great, but our sex life is so frustrating, What can I do?

There are a few options for this couple, but really the first thing a women in her situation should do is to tell him what the problem is. This is almost guaranteed to put a strain on the relationship, but she has to tell him. How tough would it be for a woman to tell her man that she cant feel his penis when they have sex?

After they discuss the issue, they can move on to talk about ways to solve their problem so that Gina can get the satisfying sex she wants and needs. One thing the couple can do is decide if her partner could enlarge his penis. If this is acceptable, there are penile extenders at most sex toy shops or they are available online. They can also use small vibrators intended to stimulate the clitoris and this can supplement intercourse and be used at other times. Her boyfriend can use the vibrator and oral sex before or after intercourse.

If the couple chooses the first option however, her boyfriend can choose from many widely accepted methods of natural penis enlargement, methods that do not require surgery but still are effective at lengthening the penis and its girth as well. Surgery is a big roadblock for many couples wishing to try penis enlargement for benefits of sexual enhancement and many of them suffer or fail because they simply do not know about alternative treatments. But there are many methods to choose from such as herbal pills, patches, penis traction devices and exercises. What are the pros and cons? Are they worth the money and do they work?

Penis enlargement pills are touted by many companies selling them as wonder pills that magically enlarge your penis but is there any truth to that? Do they really work?

Vitamins offer many sexual benefits but no pill can enlarge your penis on its own. To gain size, pills must be enhanced by a program of natural exercises or with use of a penis traction device. Run away from any pill that promises to enlarge your penis by itself.

Penis traction devices, or penis stretchers for penis enlargement force the penis to grow by applying a traction force, controlled by you. In this way, the penis slowly grows over time with minimal effort.

Penis stretcher devices use traction through the use of metal bars that run along the shaft, between an organically shaped base that fits over the penis at its base. The penis is secured at the head end with a band that fastens the penis head in place (with foam padding for comfort).

Following the instructions of any given traction device promotes safety and proper use that when compared to surgery can avoid many potential side effects such as scarring and damaged tissue. Penis stretchers were intended for growing tissue after penile augmentation surgery but can now be used to enlarge the penis without surgery.

There are also natural penis enlargement exercise techniques. These are 1-3 step exercises like the jelq and some other special types of stretching movements. Exercises offer a permanent gain in length and girth, but require much more practice, dedication and hours of effort than by using a penis traction device.

Top 5 Pheromone Colognes for Attracting Women

There are many pheromone colognes and oils being sold today on the Internet. Here are five most popular pheromone products:

Chikara Cologne

Originally named Chikara 7, after the number of pheromone compounds, this product contains the three pheromones found in most pheromone products: androstenol, androstenone and androsterone, as well as four new ingredients never before used in perfumery. The total guaranteed pheromone content per bottle is 10 mg. Chikara is great on it's own, but it can also be combined with other products, especially those with more androstenone. This product is also available in gel packs.

New Pheromone Additive (NPA)

NPA is one of the most effective pheromone products on the market. It should to be added to favorite colognes or after shaves because it is very concentrated. NPA contains androstenone. It has an unpleasant pheromone smell. Recommended for more experienced users.

Liquid Trust

Liquid Trust contains oxytocin - hormone that controls the level of trust in people. Oxytocin makes people more willing to bond with others. Liquid Trust Body Spray is created to increase trust in the wearer. This product is applied every morning after showering along with a favorite cologne or perfume.

Primal Instinct

This is a very strong androstenone product. There is greater risk of overdose, so it is advised not to apply too much of this product. Very often, even one drop is too much for some men. There are two versions of this oil-based pheromone product - scented and unscented. Users should be aware that this product is not recommended for young men.

Scent of Eros

This product contains androstenol and androsterone. It is popular among younger people. Androstenol is a unisex pheromone that signals youth and it is useful for breaking the ice and getting conversations going. Androsterone is a masculine pheromone. Some people say that Scent of Eros can only get you friends, but this depends on your attitude and the way you use it.

Bigger Penis, Better Lover?

Satisfying their partner is important for men. That’s the reason why they want a bigger penis – to secure themselves that their partners will be satisfied with them sexually but it’s not just all about having a bigger penis.

Nowadays, there are many options for natural penis enlargement. There are exercises that can help you add more length and girth to your penis. There are also traction devices available in the market or you use a combination of them both. For a long time, natural penis enlargement exercises have been tried by men giving them the results they want.

These exercises are really effective for you because it can give you enhanced ejaculation control that will guarantee your partner to be happy.
There are other things that can help you to be a better lover. Women want the best sex with their men. So you have to focus while having the experience at hand. The more focus you are, the more intense your sex with her will be.

While having your intimate moment, don’t think of other things - worries regarding your job, a broken down car or the next mortgage payment. Mom and dad’s pictures in the bedroom don’t help either.

Natural penis enlargement exercises can help you a lot to stay in control of your body and that’s the big secret about being a better lover. You have to know your body and know what you want and what you like if you want to be able to communicate well with your partner.

Most women expect men to know what they want, although no two women are exactly the same and they may have widely different expectations. Maybe you will never be able please any woman right from the very first time, but knowing more about yourself can help you a lot. It will free your mind and you will have time to understand what your partner wants from you, even if the clues are scarce.

This can be especially helpful if you are into a long term relationship. Even though it would be natural that the more you know about your partner, the simpler would be to try new things and enjoy better sex, things usually happen the other way around. The older the relationship, the more partners tend to play it safe when it comes to sex.

And playing it safe gives you the hindrance for passion and lust. For people who have been together for a long time, small changes work best. The smallest change you can make will have the effect of the little ball of snow which starts an avalanche.
You have to try something new with your partner – sex toys, lingerie, and a trip to a motel. Try anything you both feel like doing to get you both out of routine.

For a better and more satisfying sex life, you have to know yourself more to control your body fully without hesitations and please your partner.

Natural family planning

This is a method of preventing or planning a pregnancy that doesn't involve any pills or devices, and has the added bonus of getting you more in touch with your body, as this fpa factsheet explains.

What is it?

Natural family planning, or NFP, involves being able to identify the signs and symptoms (fertility indicators) of fertility during the menstrual cycle, so you can plan or avoid pregnancy.

How reliable is it?

Its effectiveness depends on how carefully it's used. If used according to teaching and instructions it is over 98 per cent effective. This means that using this method as contraception, fewer than two women in 100 will become pregnant in a year.

It's most effective when taught by a specialist NFP teacher and when more than one fertility indicator is used.

Myth: Natural family planning isn't effective
Fact: Not true - NFP is highly effective when used correctly
Myth: Natural family planning is difficult to use
Fact: Not true - NFP is easy to use once you have been taught correctly and have good support

There are also a number of different fertility devices that work by monitoring changes in temperature, urine or saliva. In the UK, the main product is called Persona. This is about 94 per cent effective. This means, using this method, at least six women in 100 will become pregnant in a year.

How do you use it?

NFP works by observing and recording your body’s different natural signs or fertility indicators on each day of your menstrual cycle. The main fertility indicators are:

• Recording your body temperature - your body temperature changes through the menstrual cycle under the influence of estrogen and progesterone. It rises slightly after ovulation. Charting these changes each day will show when ovulation has occurred.
• Monitoring cervical secretions (cervical mucus) - the amount of estrogen and progesterone varies during the menstrual cycle, which alters the quantity, texture and appearance of cervical mucus, seen as vaginal secretions. Charting these changes can help you identify the start and end of your fertile time
• Calculating how long your menstrual cycle lasts - charting how short or long your menstrual cycles are over six months can give you an idea of your cycle length.

Combining these different fertility indicators acts as a double-check and increases the effectiveness of NFP.

Advantages:

Makes you more aware of your fertility and helps you plan or prevent pregnancy

Doesn't involve any hormones or devices

No physical side-effects

Acceptable to all faiths and cultures

Can help recognise normal and abnormal vaginal secretions

Disadvantages:

• It takes time to learn to use the method
• You have to keep daily records
• Some events such as travel, illness, lifestyle or stress can make fertility indicators harder to interpret

Can anyone use NFP?

Most women can as long as they receive good instruction and support. It can be used at all stages of your reproductive life, whatever age you are.

It may take longer to recognise your fertility indicators and to start to use NFP if you have irregular menstrual cycles, or at certain times - for example, after stopping hormonal contraception, after having a baby or when approaching the menopause.

Other things to consider

Natural family planning does not protect you against sexually transmitted infections.

Advice and support

You can ask about NFP at your contraception clinic, sexual health clinic or GP surgery.

Call fpa's helpline on 0845 122 8690.

The contraceptive patch

This is a contraceptive that works like the pill but with the advantage that you don't have to remember to take it every day. This fpa factsheet explains how it works.

What's the contraceptive patch?

It is a small, thin, beige, sticky skin patch that contains the same hormones as the pill - estrogen and progestogen. These are similar to the hormones women produce in their ovaries.

How does it work?

The patch delivers a constant daily dose of hormones into the bloodstream through the skin. This stops the ovaries from releasing an egg (ovulation) each month. The patch also:

Thickens the mucus in the cervix, making it difficult for sperm to reach an egg

Makes the lining of the womb thinner so it's less likely to accept a fertilised egg

How reliable is it?

Effectiveness depends on how carefully it's used. The patch is more than 99 per cent effective when used according to instructions. This means that, using this method, fewer than one woman in 100 will get pregnant in a year. It is less effective in women weighing 90kg (14st) and over.

Myth: The patch is more reliable than the pill
Fact: Not true - the effectiveness of the patch is the same as the pill
Myth: It falls off easily
Fact: Not true - it's very sticky

How do you use it?

The patch is used for three weeks out of every four. A new patch is used each week.

The patch can be started up to and including the fifth day of a period. If used at this time it's effective straight away. If started at any other time, additional contraception has to be used for seven days.

After 21 days you have a break of seven days when you have a bleed. This withdrawal bleed is usually shorter and lighter than normal periods.

You can use the patch on most areas of the body as long as the skin is clean, dry and not very hairy. You should not put it on skin that is sore or where it can be rubbed by tight clothing. Don’t put it on your breasts.

Advantages:

You only need to remember to replace the patch once a week

It doesn’t interrupt sex

Unlike the pill, the hormones do not need to be absorbed by the stomach, so the patch is not affected if you vomit or have diarrhoea

Usually makes your bleeds regular, lighter and less painful

It may help with premenstrual symptoms

It may reduce the risk of cancer of the ovary, womb and colon

It may reduce the risk of fibroids, ovarian cysts and non-cancerous breast disease

Disadvantages:

• It's visible
• It may cause skin irritation in a small number of women
• Like the pill, temporary side-effects at first may include headaches, nausea, breast tenderness and mood changes
• Breakthrough bleeding (unexpected bleeding while using the patch) and spotting can be common

The patch can have some serious side-effects, but these are not common. They may include:

Raised blood pressure

A very small number of women may develop a blood clot, which can block a vein (venous thrombosis) or an artery (arterial thrombosis, heart attack or stroke)

Possible increase in risk of being diagnosed with breast cancer

Possible increase in risk of cervical cancer if used continuously for more than five years

Can anyone use the patch?

The patch may not be suitable for all women. For most women the benefits of the patch outweigh the possible risks.

It may be unsuitable for you to use the patch if you:

Think you might be pregnant

Smoke and are over 35, or are over 35 and stopped smoking less than a year ago

Are very overweight

Take certain medicines - always check

Have had a previous thrombosis

Have a heart abnormality, circulatory disease or high blood pressure

Have very severe migraines or migraines with aura

Have breast cancer now or within the past five years

Have active liver or gall bladder disease

Have diabetes with complications, or have had diabetes for more than 20 years

What if the patch comes off?

The patch is very sticky and should stay on in the shower, bath or sauna, during swimming and exercise.

If the patch has been off for fewer than 48 hours, just reapply it as soon as possible or use a new one, then continue as normal.

If it has been off for more than 48 hours, start a whole new patch cycle by applying a new one as soon as possible. Use additional contraception for seven days. Seek advice about emergency contraception if you had sex in the previous few days and were not using a condom.

Other things to consider

Initially, you'll be given three months' supply of the patch. If there are no problems you will then be given up to a year’s supply

You don’t need a cervical screening test or an internal examination to have the patch

The patch does not protect you against sexually transmitted infections

Where can I get the patch?

The patch is free on the NHS from contraception clinics, sexual health clinics or general practice.

Advice and support

Call fpa's helpline on 0845 122 8690.

This article was last reviewed in July 2007.

Respecting Personal Boundaries

Larry’s friend, Amy, always greets him with a warm hug and a firm kiss on the lips. Amy’s twin sister, Emily, isn’t as effusive as her sister, so she usually welcomes Larry with a swift brush of her lips against his check. Occasionally, Larry confuses one twin with the other – although not for long. When he mistakenly wraps Emily in a tight bear hug, he knows by the way she stiffens and pulls backward that he has accosted the wrong twin. Emily doesn’t blame Larry for his error, but she does react instantaneously, telegraphing that he has crossed an invisible line.

This is the line we refer to as a "personal boundary."

We’ve all transgressed boundaries and we’ve all felt discomfort (sometimes even grave offense) when someone does it to us. Whether it’s the guy sidling up too close in the supermarket check-out or the gal speaking loudly on her cell phone in a cozy restaurant, we all feel the impact when a boundary is breached.

Boundaries in casual social interactions are dictated both by cultural convention and personal needs. Boundaries in intimate relationships are more complex and nuanced; they are like the psychic or emotional equivalent of a person’s skin – which itself is the physical boundary that separates them from the rest of the material world. Like skin, our emotional boundaries indicate where our "self" ends and another’s self begins. Power dynamics in close relationships are often exposed by noting which partner is more likely to sneak across the other’s borders of self and steal little bits, like a child sneaking candy from the drugstore rack. A healthy sense of self means that we are able to invite others to meet us at the edges of our boundaries and theirs; we can get close, but are unlikely to get so enmeshed that we let our loved one’s emotions – especially their anxieties – spill into us and become our own. We can hold steady when upset, and not succumb to urges to control others in order to relieve our own discomfort. Tall order? No doubt. That’s why self-development is an ongoing process that only ends with our final breath.

It’s easy to recognize boundary problems in people who don’t know how to draw lines in the sand – people who can’t say "no" or speak up for themselves. But some people’s lack of a strong and true self manifests in just the opposite way: they are quick to penetrate the boundaries of others, treating intimates as undifferentiated self-extensions. We all know people like this, who act as though they are the center of the universe, and we might even presume that their egotistical behavior is evidence of self-esteem –- but we’d be wrong.

There is a natural progression in the way that our relationships with others evolve out of our relationship to ourselves. People who seem so full of themselves that they trample on others’ boundaries are actually quite empty and lost inside, compelled to latch onto others in clumsy disregard of the cues and social conventions that implore "keep your distance." When confronted, their shame at being caught forces them to don heavy defensive armor. They are the kings and queens of self-justification.

Such people are often drawn to locales where boundary confusion already exists, and where they can transgress with relative impunity. One such place is cyberspace. The anonymity that the web affords, along with its dreamscape quality, makes it a perfect borderworld.

Whether we dabble in online relationships, in computer gaming, in erotic webcam encounters, or even discussion lists and newsgroups, if we relate on the internet we exist in a dimension that is part "real" and partly a projection of our imagination. Anywhere that the real and the imaginary intersect is a hybrid space, a quasi-dreamworld, where boundary crossings are as natural as clicking a mouse, even among people who are otherwise scrupulous about respecting others.

Why does that happen? Because when you are in a dream, you are at the center of a galaxy of your own making. Just as movies and TV shows play out largely upon the internal screen of your psyche, online relationships evolve in a virtual space where we may become swept up in the illusion that thoughts can be transmitted without speaking and minds can meld as one. If you are using an avatar to traverse the gameworld, blurring the boundaries of self and self-extension is the goal – but when real people merge with elements of your imagination, identities that should be preserved instead get lost or dissolve. In cyber-sexual encounters, especially, where the headiness of strong erotic sensation is mediated by the wall of a two dimensional computer screen, individuals can seem like mere projections of your fantasy life. The person on the other side becomes someone you conjured up in your dreams. It’s all too easy, then, to push past the limits of your cyber-partner’s comfort zone, say something offensive or depersonalizing, and cause real hurt to someone of flesh, blood, and feeling.

Of course, the very same thing can happen in ordinary time. You needn’t be a repeat boundary offender to transgress; anyone can be oblivious to another’s "self" on occasion, just as anyone can distractedly whiz through a red light at an intersection. However, given that a crushing boundary breach can be as damaging as running a red light, it’s crucial to begin repairs quickly. Here are some steps for boundary first aid, in both virtual and ordinary worlds:

* Apologize. Profusely. Better to fall all over yourself to make amends than to be perfunctory. Reparations require humility.

* Ask yourself: would clearer parameters have kept you from blundering earlier? It’s not too late to negotiate better boundaries for the future. Be sure that all activities are mutually agreeable before you dive in, and monitor your tendency to bliss out on fantasy and lose touch with your partner’s humanity.

* Pay close attention to the other’s subtle style of communicating discomfort. How does their body language or tone of voice change? Check in with them more frequently. Ask, "are you sure you’re OK with this? Do you want to talk about it further?"

* Remind yourself frequently that there is a very real person on the other side of the screen – or the table, or the bed. If you are being intimate, you need to be responsible for treating partners with respect and even gentility.

* If you recognize that you are a repeat-offender, center-of-the-universe type, think about getting some counseling. You already know that your armor is heavy, and you don’t trust easily, but if you can overcome your resistance to self-exposure, enormous growth is possible.

The Joys that Vibrators Can Bring to Your Sex Life

Is there such a thing as having too much fun?

Would looking for ways to have better sex after years of good sex with your partner be sinfully greedy? From the averted gazes, blushes, and giggles that so many people produce when sex toys are mentioned, you would think increasing sexual joy past some legal limit truly breaks a law. Not so. By nature, human beings are game players and tool users. We enjoy inventing recreational activities that enhance our abilities to do required tasks: accurate javelin throwing and bringing down dinner-on-the-hoof have something important in common. So, too, game-like sexual fantasies, whether all in the mind or role-played with costumes and props, "tools" if you will, are natural extensions of a healthy desire to heighten pleasure and enrich sexual relationships.

Vibrators have a place among the tools that people use to improve their sexual skills, increase their own and their partners' pleasure, and add joy to their sex lives.

Near the end of the 1960's, vibrators came to market as a way to provide women, especially non-orgasmic women, a new kind of intense sexual stimulation whether or not they had a sex partner. Whether hand-held or designed to fasten over the hand, a vibrator is simply an appliance that produces a steady, rapid rhythm - at about 2,000 vibes or oscillations a minute, far steadier and faster than the human hand. Most female orgasms depend on clitoral stimulation, and vibrators provide the most intense clitoral stimulation possible. Sex therapists continue to recommend them for the not-yet-orgasmic.

In lovemaking with a partner or as an aid to masturbation, vibrators work best as a complement to other sexual stimuli. Using a vibrator doesn't reduce the sensual pleasure of direct body contact, of skin on skin, of mouths and tongues, of hands or genitals.

However, repeating the same sexual behavior can put you and your partner in a rut. If you rely for a long time on a vibrator to reach orgasm, you can become fixated on the vibrator's predictable stimulation, making it difficult - if not impossible - to find satisfaction any other way. Even worse, should your pattern of vibrator use cease to work for you, you could face a difficult process or relearning how to be orgasmic.

The best advice: vary your sexual routine, for variety is the spice of satisfaction. Couples often integrate vibrators into their lovemaking to enhance sex play, with the emphasis on play. "The point is not to have a relationship with the vibrator but to use the vibrator to help create a sexual experience," notes Julia Heiman, PhD, co-author of Becoming Orgasmic, in the March 1996 issue of Sex Over Forty.

Experience It For Yourself

So what's it really like? Imagine yourself in the following erotic situations, and if that deep-down flutter response is triggered, give yourself permission to pick up a vibrator and go for more joy. Bob and Laurie like to set a sensual mood every night at bedtime with scented candles, massage oil, soft jazz, perhaps showering or bathing together. They don't expect to have intercourse every night, but they do count on their private time to give them a chance to feel physically close and sexually intimate. One of their favorite sex toys is The Deluxe Foreplay to Love System, a vibrator with various attachments, some of them textured for all-over body massage, some of them for stroking her labia and clitoris or for stimulating his penis.

Just knowing their evening ritual might include a muscle-relaxing massage, along with intercourse or a vibrator-induced orgasm for one or both of them, keeps the aggravations of the day in perspective and reinforces the emotional closeness of their marriage.

"Vibrators are so perfect for orgasms that it's easy to forget how wonderful they are for massage," writes Betty Dodson, PhD in Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving . "Whenever you vibrate, you are stimulating the flow of blood to that area, a marvelous health and beauty treatment for the entire body."

"Many of the products sold as toys are actually therapeutic for many men suffering from decreased penile sensation and/or erection difficulties," said Barbara Keesling, PhD, sex therapist and author of Sexual Healing. For this reason, Margie and Sid ordered their first "plain vanilla" bullet-shaped vibrator from a catalog. Sid had found himself distracted by how much longer it was taking him to become aroused. Worry that he had lost the seemingly automatic hard-ons of his youth was making him avoid sex - a sure way to make it even more difficult to get an erection.

It only took Margie a few tries to discover what Sid finds most arousing. In between stroking, kissing, and gently sucking his genitals, she eases the vibrator up and down the underside and around the coronal ridge (the ridge below the tip) of his hardening penis. Margie always combines the vibrator's rapid stimulation with caresses from her mouth and hands, and sometimes when she and Sid proceed to intercourse she presses the vibrator against the exquisitely sensitive spot between Sid's scrotum and anus (the perineum). Other times, when Margie sits on top of Sid with his penis inside her, he brings her to orgasm by stimulating her clitoris with the vibrator. After she comes, she boosts his orgasm by touching his penis with the vibrator as she moves over him. Even more surprising to them both, the vibrator sometimes helps Sid enjoy a second orgasm with a soft-on!

Aiming For The G-Spot

One of the many specialty G-spot vibrators now available is designed to stimulate what has been described as the G-spot located on the upper wall of many women's vaginas - a controversial subject. (See the June 1998 issue of Sex Over Forty.) The surface of the G-spot tends to feel rough to the touch and, like erectile tissue in the penis, it may become firm and swell when stimulated. Until Daron introduced a G-Spot vibrator into their lovemaking, Sheila didn't know exactly where her G-Spot was or if she even had one. The discovery brought her to a new level of sexual excitement and to entirely different-feeling orgasmic experiences than she was used to from clitoral stimulation. With the help of the vibrator, Daron learned how to find Sheila's G-Spot on his own, and now he takes great pleasure in sharing this new erotic joy with his lover. These days, if Sheila feels more like having sex than he does, Daron doesn't worry about performing. Cradling, nuzzling, kissing, and caressing Sheila as she relaxes back into his arms, Daron watches as she uses first her fingers and then the vibrator to arouse herself. As her vagina moistens, Sheila spreads her labia and slowly inserts the vibrator inside until she finds her G-Spot. Once in a while, the explosive orgasm that Sheila experiences in this position, with Daron's loving hands on her breasts, is just stimulus enough to arouse Daron, and he then masturbates to climax or they go on to enjoy unexpected intercourse.

Try It For Yourself

The ways that vibrators can raise the joy factor in your lovemaking are limited only by your imagination. You can play the watching game and, like Sheila and Daron, find erotic pleasure in seeing your partner climax; you can play fantasy games, with the vibrator a "stand-in" for an imaginary extra player; you can experiment with perineal or anal stimulation. For virtually any sort of stimulation you can imagine, there is a vibrator on the market. If you and your partner explore the possibilities in a loving, trusting, mutually understanding way, there's no downside - just more joy in your sex play.

Marty Klein, PhD, a psychotherapist, Certified Sex Educator, and author of Ask Me Anything: A Sex Therapist Answers the Most Important Questions for the Nineties, urges us not to distrust sex toys just because they are designed exclusively for pleasure. Klein reminds committed couples seeking increased joy and intimacy in their sex lives that "it's good to consider being creative. . . . Relax," he said, "keep your sense of humor, use your experience, and enjoy the results. . . . Don't try to do it perfectly, just do it!"

Sexual Fantasies and Relationships

It’s a familiar story: two people are lying in bed after sharing some kind of wonderful, intimate sexual act. In the afterglow, one partner turns to the other and asks, “Honey, what do you think about during sex?” Feeling safe in that intimate moment, the other partner describes a favorite fantasy that involves a person both of them know. The first partner says, “Oh. I only think about you.” Then the problems begin.

Fantasy does not necessarily equal intention or action. Then again, it can. That’s what can intimidate so many people. Part of why it is so intimidating comes from the cultural value that sexual and romantic relationships must work only “one way.” We are supposed to have one partner or spouse for our entire lives (which can be 60 years or more). In that entire time, we are supposed to think only of our partner or spouse, and no one else? The idea is as unrealistic as it is unhealthy.

Rather than be threatened by fantasies, couples may wish to consider exploring them more. Fantasies can enhance and even prolong relationships by allowing one or both partners to explore interests and feelings – in their own minds, at least – in which their partners may not be interested. Then again, sharing and exploring these interests together can be a very powerful, relationship-enhancing experience – at least under two circumstances.

The first is when the fantasies are shared in thoughtful, caring, and respectful ways. For example, someone who tells a partner that the only way she or he can become aroused sexually is by fantasizing during sex is being insensitive – regardless of whether the statement is true. There are alternate ways of being truthful without causing emotional harm to another person. The second is that the fantasy shared is not something that distresses a partner. For example, someone who is used to a sexual routine that involves so-called mainstream behaviors, particularly in a long-term relationship, may be shocked to hear that her or his partner has fantasies about bondage, cross-dressing, sex with multiple partners, partners of more than one gender, and more.

The sensitivity has to go both ways, however. A person whose partner shares fantasies should make every effort to listen before reacting. It is often uncomfortable to share a fantasy, particularly one that may be considered by some to be untraditional. Even if a partner hears a fantasy that is shocking or aversive, she or he should at least take the time to listen, ask any questions, and think carefully before responding.

Above all, no one should ever pressure or force anyone else to do anything sexual that they do not want to do. Similarly, no one should engage in a behavior they are uncomfortable with just to fulfill a partner’s fantasy. A relationship is about what both people want, not about one person’s needs. Whenever there is a disagreement in a relationship, couples should make every effort to negotiate a healthy solution together – and to seek counseling if they are unable to do so.

Sexual Healing Review

Healing Sex

Do you ... avoid sexual contact -- turn off inside and “go through the motions” when your partner approaches you with that hedonistic grin? Or, do you need sexual attention in order to feel worthy?

These are some of the automatic reactions the body and mind can use to combat the effects of past (or present) sexual abuse. Although such reactions seem counterproductive to healthy sexuality, they have developed for a very good reason -- to protect the victim from further harm. Alas, as the victim grows up, the same emotions and behaviors can linger into adulthood.

The effects of abuse on our adult sex lives are as individual as people are. They depend on the personality of the person who was abused, what type of abuse they experienced, whether physical trauma or emotional abuse was involved, and how old the person was, and so on.

Yet, one thing that remains a constant is that abuse always involves some sort of misuse of power. And, an absence of power also leads many victims to feel they are not in control of sexual situations as adults. A feeling of “safety” has been compromised. This lack, combined with a feeling of powerlessness, can cause many abuse victims to stop the sexual contact, leave the body, or go on “automatic”.

Since approximately 30% of all women and men have experienced some form of sexual abuse in their past, it is likely that most people have had some sort of contact with abuse, whether directly from childhood, or through a partner who has been abused. Up until now, very little help has been available to abuse-victims, or their partners.

Finally, someone is tackling this subject. In a new video released by Staci Haines, the expert of sex after abuse, she outlines a process that deals with sex after abuse head-on. Staci emphasizes that the body holds abuse memories, even if we are consciously unaware of those memories. It reacts automatically to protect itself by withdrawing or becoming defensive or numb. (Image of DVD) Healing Sex (2239) Link

In a warm and non-threatening way, Staci outlines a step-by-step “healing process” to relearn how to be present in the body and still feel safe and in control of sexual situations. By actively involving a group -- some of whose members have been abused (very convincing actors), she helps the viewer to learn through the experiences of six different couples – one or both having been abuse victims. They are brought through six stages of a “healing process” to stay present in their bodies, while they experience the pleasure of the body and the connection with their partner.

The Six Stages of the Healing Process:

Safety – is practicing “safe sex” and relearning boundaries -- the first steps in protecting the self. Knowing when you want to say “yes”, as well as feeling okay about saying “no, is key. Embodiment –is learning to “be” in the body and accepting that it is a safe place. You will be shown how to bring your attention to your sensations through associating positive physical actions with “feeling” your body more (i.e. running, masturbation, exercise, yoga, dance). You will also find out how you can learn to feel pleasure while also feeling “safe”, through self-pleasuring.

Healing through the body – is the most daunting step as it involves working through the trauma. Staci stresses the importance of not ignoring, but rather of remembering and working past the abuse through touching and breathing exercises. Get to know what “triggers” the memory of abuse and learn “a trigger plan” to deal with those memories.

Connections – is learning how to see your partner as “safe” and not as a perpetrator. You are encouraged to look where your partner is at, and to stay in touch with him/her, while you keep communicating what you need. Sexual Wholeness - is identifying where you learned about sex and what you learned about sex. Understanding your biases and educating yourself on positive sexuality is essential. Practicing Wellness – is understanding that this is a process, and that you should keep in touch with the three elements of a healthy sexuality: 1. Self-pleasuring 2. Self-discovery 3. Dedicating time to yourself and your partner

This video is sensitive, inviting and non-threatening, while demonstrating how our unhealthy patterns around sexuality can be turned around – not only to offer pleasure to the body, but also to make a greater connection with a partner.

Different Types of Female Orgasm

n 1966, Masters and Johnson defined orgasm as a series of involuntary muscular contractions, focused in the genitals, which produce a feeling of intense pleasure that may spread throughout your entire body. As early as 1953, Kinsey described orgasm as your bodys release of neuromuscular tension and the blood that has rushed to your genitals during arousal. More recently, however, research on images of womens brains during orgasm has freed the phenomenon of its genital confines. Qualitative studies detailing the diversity of female sexual response have further supported that orgasm doesnt have to be limited to ones groin.

The duration and intensity of an orgasm differs from woman to woman and from one experience to the next. Orgasm can range from an intense pinnacle of magnificent sensations that quickly fades, to a longer-lasting warmth that spreads, to a peak orgasm that gradually subsides into a series of smaller orgasms. In becoming orgasmic or more orgasmic, people are often unaware of the range of orgasm(s) women can have.

Types of Female Orgasm Research shows that women can have at least three types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, or blended. Most women attain orgasm by having their clitoris stimulated (a clitoral orgasm), while others may reach an intense, deep orgasm involving their uterus and reproductive system (a vaginal orgasm), especially during G-spot stimulation. Still other women may experience a blended orgasm, a combination of the two, from having both their clitoris and vagina stimulated at the same time. The vulval and uterine contractions that occur often result in this being experienced as the most powerful of the three types. In some women, female ejaculation (the release of a prostatic fluid-like substance) may accompany vaginal or combined orgasm(s).

Other Orgasms Simultaneous Orgasm On occasion, a couple will have a simultaneous orgasm. This is when the thrusting partner slows his or her pace, allowing a womans sexual response cycle to "catch up" so that they can orgasm at the same time. An amazing experience that is often accidental, it is not something that should be a goal every time you make love. Half the fun of orgasm is watching your partner have one, which is something thats hard to do if youre having your own at the same time!

Spontaneous Orgasm Your brain is your biggest sex organ, and because of that, people are able to experience all types of "hands off" orgasms. Spontaneous orgasm, a.k.a. extragenital orgasm, happens without genital contact. The person is simply been able to excite herself with erotic thoughts and fantasies to the point of orgasm, sometimes triggered by physical stimulation, e.g., touching the neck or thighs. This type of orgasm can also happen when a woman is doing a particular form of exercise, like sit-ups, or after shes already had an orgasm due to genital touch.

Nocturnal Orgasm Nocturnal orgasms, better known as "wet dreams," are another mind-triggered marvel. While youre sleeping, your brain gets you so turned on that your body goes through the sexual response cycle to the point of orgasm.

Multiple Orgasm With any of these orgasms, there is the potential for a woman to have multiple orgasms – a series of orgasms occurring within a short timeframe. If a woman is continually stimulated after reaching orgasm, her heightened state of arousal invites orgasm after orgasm. While some women state that multiple orgasms occur during sexual intercourse, the majority say that they experience multiple orgasms with clitoral stimulation during masturbation.

No matter what the orgasm, this amazing sensation is a brain mediated experience that can be triggered by both genital and nongenital stimulation, including fantasy alone. As such, its important to keep in mind that the types described in this article are just some of the more popular experiences written about. The body-minds experience of orgasm may always have something new to offer.

20 Helpful Hints for Women To Reach Orgasm

A Sex Therapy Information Guide
20 Helpful Hints for Women To Reach Orgasm

A common concern I hear from my female clients involves difficulty in reaching orgasm. Here are some hints that I have found to be helpful:

PSYCHOLOGICAL HINTS:

1) Anticipate the Sexual Encounter--Many women find that if they spend some time fantasizing about an upcoming sexual encounter, they can use their minds (imagination) to "turn themselves on" physically, as well as emotionally. It also helps for women to learn to identify what turns them on in their environment (i.e., romantic or erotic stories, love songs, videos, etc.) and use this material in anticipation of a sexual encounter. This process of "starting on warm" can help to make reaching "the end" easier.

2) Get Relaxed--Most women require a transition or "down time" in order to be opened-up to receiving sexual pleasure. This is because emotional tension negatively interferes with sexual response. So, listen to music, take a hot bath, read a book, do "whatever works" to get relaxed. Being in a relaxed mode is very helpful to achieving orgasm.

3) Eliminate Distractions--Women frequently find that their minds are cluttered with distractions such as "to do" lists, worries about privacy, too much light in the room, too much noise, pets in the room, etc. Identifying one's distractions and then eliminating them before sex can help a woman to focus on her body and her good feelings so that orgasm is easier to achieve. Distractions of any kind usually sabotage the sexual focus needed for most women to reach orgasm.

4) Eliminate Anger--It is hard to make love to a porcupine---and that is how many women feel when they are angry at their partner. Anger distances people. It is necessary for most women to work on eliminating angry and hurt feelings so that they can feel intimately connected with their partner. Most women require connection at the heart before they can truly connect with their genitals.

5) Get Comfortable with Your Body and Its Imperfections--Learning to appreciate and accept one's body is key to good sexual responsiveness. Obsessing over body imperfections--how it looks, feels, smells, or tastes, etc., may sabotage sexual response and certainly can interfere with orgasm. Such obsessing interferes with sexual arousal. In other words, the mind gets in the way of the body's response. It is good to remember that most men get more turned on by an interested and interesting partner rather than by a perfect body.

6) Get Into an Erotic Focus During Sex--This requires putting the mind in an erotic mode so that the mind can boost physical arousal. This can be done by following in "the mind's eye" what one's partner is doing (to you) physically. It may require imagery of an erotic or romantic scene or fantasy that is a turn on. Perhaps, best of all is being turned on by watching one's partner and/or looking into each other's eyes. But this might not be possible because many women need closed eyes to focus in order to reach orgasm.

7) Concentrate--As arousal builds, most women need to concentrate on their pleasurable feelings (especially those in the clitoris and/or vagina), and on their growing excitement. Concentration, which usually excludes verbal responses, is part of the erotic focus necessary for many women to reach orgasm.

8) Get Out of The "Real Way" Trap--Many people of both genders mistakenly believe that "the real way" to orgasm is only through vaginal intercourse. Other ways of achieving orgasm, such as by clitoral stimulation (manually or orally), do not count to these people because these orgasms are deemed inferior to a "vaginal orgasms." This false belief (which originated with Sigmund Freud) still causes many modern women to think they are broken, abnormal or inferior because they can not orgasm "the real way." Please remember: The majority of women orgasm most effectively with clitoral stimulation or vaginal stimulation assisted by clitoral stimulation, not by vaginal stimulation alone, and that is okay and fine! Many women will never orgasm just by vaginal stimulation alone. All orgasms are valid no matter how they happen to occur. Trying to orgasm the "real way" can trap people into worrying about sexual performance and can certainly inhibit orgasm.

9) Make Time For Play--People frequently leave lovemaking for very late hours, when bodies just need sleep. If people would "make time for play" (not necessarily foreplay), protect that time and not wait for spontaneous encounters, they would be more assured of good sex. This is especially meaningful for women because it is easier to reach orgasm when feeling energized rather than tired and weary.

PHYSICAL HINTS:

1) Become an Expert On Your Own Body--Learning about your body and its responses is essential for most women to reach orgasm reliably. The idea is to take control of your body and personally get in touch with your responses, then teach your partner what kind of touch is most pleasurable. Remember, he is not the expert only on his body! Your are! Women who haven't learned about their bodies are not able to know what they like sexually. These women are often not orgasmic because they haven't learned what works for them.

2) Communicate Openly--Open communication is essential for sexual satisfaction because people are not mind readers. Spoken communication is clearest, but guiding your partner's hand or prearranged cues may work as well. Open communication about sex takes honesty, trust, respect and the ability to take risks.

3) Be Sure Your Partner is "On the Mark"-- If your partner is off target when stimulating your body, you won't ever reach orgasm. So, make sure you convey where you need to be touched as well as what you like best.

4) Exaggerate Sexual Tension--With physical arousal it is natural for one's muscles to tense up as orgasm approaches. This happens in both sexes, but is more noticeable in women. Exaggerating this muscle tension may help to trigger an orgasm.

5) Squeeze those Muscles--Contracting the muscles around the vagina (called PC muscles) helps to bring blood to the genitals and thus builds arousal. These are also the muscles that contract with orgasm. Squeezing the PC muscles (called Kegel Exercises) may help to trigger orgasm and may make orgasm more intense.

6) Hang Your Head--Hanging your head over the side of the bed may trigger orgasm. In some women this may heighten arousal and sexual tension. If nothing else, this position will be a distraction from "trying too hard" and hence may lead to orgasm.

7) Breathe Differently--Varying breathing patterns may also add to sexual arousal and can trigger orgasm.

8) Be a Tease--Teasing yourself or allowing your partner to tease you by touching your "pleasure spots," then withdrawing the touch over and over again, is a very effective way to build arousal and heighten orgasm.

9) Practice Letting Go--Orgasm rehearsal (in private) is often helpful for women who have trouble relinquishing control. Practicing orgasms, including making noises and "funny" faces, may help to gain comfort and reduce anxiety about having orgasms. This may help in the process of learning to orgasm.

10) Be superior--For women who want to "work on" their orgasms with intercourse, the female superior position (on top) generally works best. This position allows a woman to take control of intercourse, thus allowing maximum stimulation. In this way, she can control the tempo of intercourse, the depth of penile thrusting (or sliding movements), and the clitoral stimulation. The female superior position is especially good for women who have personal issues that require the need to feel in total control sexually.

11) Use Toys If You Like--If you are comfortable with the use of sex toys, vibrators can be a fun way to help "get there" reliably and easily. They take "the work" out of trying to orgasm and can also take pressure off your partner because your pleasure then becomes your own responsibility. Vibrators work best when you hold it on yourself. Vibrators can be used (held on the clitoris) for sexual play or during sexual intercourse to facilitate the path to orgasm.

Sex in later life

Your'e never too old to enjoy a satisfying sex life. You may not be able to enjoy the sexual olympics that you had in your youth, but you can still thoroughly enjoy the sensual and erotic pleasure of intimate, loving touch. Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall explains how.

Your body changes as you get older, but the wisdom of years means that you no longer have to have the sexual hang-ups or performance anxieties of youth. If you've been in a relationship for many years, you will also have years of knowledge of how to please your partner.

Fit for sex

The healthier and fitter you are, the better your sex life will be. Taking regular exercise to improve your muscle tone, your cardiac system and your flexibility will help you to stay sexually active for many years. In short, keeping fit will keep you sexually active. But the reverse is also true. Couples who continue to have an active sex life are also likely to keep fit, and age more slowly (or at least look as though they are). An active sex life produces a variety of chemicals that helps us to feel happy, enhances the immune system, increases lean body tissue and thickens skin tissue. One survey* concluded that improving your sex life can help make you look between four and seven years younger, reduce stress and lead to greater contentment.

Physical changes

Most physical changes are due to the natural aging process, the skin tends to lose some of it's sensitivity and movement may become more restricted. Both men and women will also experience hormonal changes. Men's testosterone levels gradually reduce and women will go through the menopause. Other physical changes are the result of illness or may be a side effect of medication. Common illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease and blood pressure problems directly affect sexual functioning, while other conditions such as arthritis have more of an indirect affect.

Sexual changes in women

• Lowered sexual desire - lower levels of oestrogen and testosterone can reduce sexual desire though it is more likely to be a side effect of general menopausal symptoms.
• Painful intercourse - the walls of the vagina become thinner and less lubrication is produced. It can also take longer to get aroused as you get older.
• Delayed orgasm - some women find that it takes them longer to orgasm than it used to and the sensation is not quite so strong.

Sexual changes in men

• Reduced desire - many men say that their desire for sex is less frequent and less urgent than in their twenties.
• Slower to arouse - most older men find they need direct penile stimulation in order to get aroused and get an erection.
• Less firm erections - the sensation of erection is likely to be less hard than it was, though it will still be sufficient for penetration.
• Slower ejaculation - the urgency to ejaculate tends to reduce significantly so a mature lover can last longer. Ejaculation may also feel less powerful.

Sex often gets better as couples age. In many ways, men and women are more equally matched. Most men will have lost their earlier physical urgency for satisfaction and many women feel more confident and comfortable with their sexuality. What's more, you're both likely to know far more about your own and each other's bodies.

Accepting change

What's important is that you and your partner are both aware of the physical changes that are happening, and that you're willing to accommodate those differences into your love making style. Make sure you both make plenty of time to get yourselves in the mood. You might enjoy trying some - particularly exercises like sensual touching or erotic bath. If you begin to experience any particular sexual problems then take a look at the advice at overcoming problems.

Sex will change as you get older - but it does not have to become less enjoyable. In fact surveys* have shown that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with age. As long as there's no debilitating illness, there is no reason why you can't thoroughly enjoy sex as long as you live.

*Superyoung, Dr David Weeks, Coronet Books

Sex when the kids are around

Most will tell you that their sex life has changed since having children. Whether you have a newborn baby in the house, toddlers, teenagers or all three, you have to get more creative and more determined. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall has some tips.

Sex after childbirth

This is perhaps the toughest time of all. As wonderful as your bundle of joy may be, it's difficult to avoid the exhaustion that goes with caring for the needs of a newborn, 24 hours a day. Whether you’re mum or dad, it's a tough job. It's difficult to find the time and energy for love making and biology sometimes isn't much help. For the first few months, a woman's hormones are pre-programmed for feeding and nurturing your newborn, not making rivals. In fact, 80% of new mothers report lowered desire in the first months.

The most important thing you need to remember during this time is to keep touching. Just because you don't feel like being lovers, doesn't mean you can't be affectionate and not letting the spark go out will make it much easier to fan when you're ready. It's also essential that you share how you feel about sex. Either partner may feel guilty about wanting or not wanting sex. Talking about this will help you to support each other and help you to maintain intimacy as a couple.

Toddler hood and beyond

By the time your bundle of joy has entered toddler hood, your sexual energy will hopefully be fully restored. However, now it can be even harder to find the space and time. During this period of your life, you have to get clever. You need to develop a balance between planned sexual marathons, average encounters and passionate quickies.

If at all possible, try and ship toddlers off to granny or any other responsible adult, for a whole afternoon, evening or even night of love making. You might not get many opportunities to do this, so plan well ahead, get the date in your diary and look forward to it.

Bedtime is often the favoured time for parents of kids aged between two and nine. Hopefully they're in bed by 8.30pm at the latest and that leaves you sometime alone to enjoy some 'adult activities'. It can be tempting to spend the evening catching up on chores or vegging out in front of the TV. Or perhaps you like to have supper and enjoy some uninterrupted grown up conversation before you go to bed. However you like to spend your evening is fine, but have sex first. Most people are shattered by the time they go to bed and are only fit for sleep. If you want to enjoy sex, put this as item one on your evening agenda, and then do everything else.

You can also become expert at recognising and grabbing opportunities for a quickie. This might include naptimes, when the latest Disney film has just come out on DVD, or their favourite CBeebie programme is on. In fact, whenever you can safely pre-occupy them for 15 minutes or so, grab your chance.

Teenagers

Many couples find this one of the most difficult times to keep their sex life going. The kids now stay up too late for you to wait for their bedtime and now is the time when they DO know what you're doing. But on the bright side, they're beginning to go out much more regularly and hopefully you've entered the era of the sleepover. If at all possible, you need to get your kids out-of-school activities co-ordinated. The hour when they're at youth club - is your hour to jump into bed. And if one of them is in scouts from on Thursdays, that's the day to book the other one into swimming lessons. Sleepovers are great opportunities for a whole night of uninterrupted passion. Invite their friends round on a regular basis and then sit back and wait for the return match. Remember - be creative.

Overcoming awkwardness

Some parents can feel awkward about having sex when the kids are around. It might be easier when they know they're soundly asleep, but feel different when they're awake. Particularly if you're scared that they might walk in on you. One way to avoid this is to put a lock on the bedroom door. Some parents feel uncomfortable doing this, but if it happens early enough a child will learn to knock and accept it as the norm. If you've already got a lock on the bathroom door, you can also enjoy sex in the bath or shower.

It's important that you have puts appropriate steps in place to maintain your sexual privacy. Not only does this reinforce your uniqueness as a couple, but it also sets a good model for children. There's nothing wrong with children knowing that adults have sex as part of loving relationships. A small child may not understand what sex is, but they can know that parents enjoy 'special cuddles' or whatever term you prefer to use. As children get older they will be more aware of sex and they will learn some valuable lessons about it from you. Adopting an attitude that says sex is natural, healthy, enjoyable and private is an important message. One that hopefully they'll remember when they're adults themselves.

Sexual problems

If you've tried all the tricks in the book to keep your sex life sparkling but it just doesn't seem to be working, you might find it useful to look at some of the articles relating to specific sexual problems. If there are issues within your relationship that are affecting your intimacy, you can also get some further help at couples.

Communicating about sex

Talking with your partner about what you like and what you want can take your sex life in new and fulfilling directions and deepen your relationship as a whole, says sex and relationships counsellor Suzie Hayman.

No one is a mind reader

In many couples, one or both partners feel that the other doesn't understand how to satisfy them sexually. And I know from my work at a sex and relationships counsellor that this can knock the confidence of both people.

The problem is that when it comes to sex we expect to be instant experts, with instinctive knowledge of what pleases us and a partner. But actually, sex is just like any other skill. If we want to learn how to drive a car or ride a bike, we have to start as beginners and take lessons. And with sex, to understand your own responses and your lover's, you have to learn and practice.

This is because everyone responds differently to sex and sexual arousal. Some like gentle touches, others prefer heavier, rougher contact. One person will be turned on by something another finds unpleasant or uninteresting. Unless you're psychic, the only way to get to know your partner's tastes, and for them to get to know yours, is by communicating.
Say what you'd like to try

Talking about what you like and dislike has several benefits. Not only can simply talking about sex add to your excitmement, but the more you talk, the more relaxed and confident you'll be with your partner. I know from my work that most people would like more variety in their love lives, but they're held back from suggesting whatever they'd like to try, whether it's oral sex, bondage or new positions, by embarrassment or fear of rejection.

But you don't have to come out with a bald request. One good technique is to find the option you fancy on the web or in a magazine or a book, and point it out, saying, "That looks fun. Want to try it?" The chances are that, far from being put off, your partner will jump at the chance to experiment. (For more ideas see I'd like you to...).
Non-verbal cues

Communication is vital but there's no need to subject each other to a commentary or a barrage of instructions. You can make your needs known with a range of non-verbal cues. (For more ideas see Bedroom talk).
Let them know when they've hit the spot

Next time you have sex, make sure your partner knows when they've found the right place. If they need a bit of guidance, gently move their hands to demonstrate what turns you on. Make the communication two-way; listen and notice the movements and sounds your partner makes, so you can pick up their likes and dislikes, too.
Be honest, positive and demonstrative

If you're going to say what you'd like and ask what your partner wants, there are three important points to keep in mind.

* Be positive. Don't tell your partner they're terrible in bed. Remember something they did that you really liked and say, "When you did that, I really..." They'll get the message.
* Be honest. There's no point in faking it or saying you like something you don't, because that gives your partner no incentive and no guidance to do better.
* Be demonstrative.


Erogenous zones

The most sensitive sexual areas are

* Breasts, nipples, genitals and lips
* Ear lobes, fingers, toes
* The soft skin inside the elbows and knees, the small of the back and the nape of the neck

Making sex exciting

Sleeping with the same person can become predictable in time, but that doesn't mean it's all over. Sex and relationships counsellor Suzie Hayman explains why the fire can fade even if you're still in love - and how to reignite the spark.

Bringing back the buzz

Once the honeymoon's over and you settle into the humdrum pattern of everyday life, it's easy to get bored. Sex might go from something you do because you can't keep your hands off each other to free entertainment on a Friday night because there's nothing on TV.

Most of us assume the sex we enjoy in the first heady days of a relationship is the best we can expect, and it's all down hill from there. But here's the good news. It can get better over time rather than worse, and it's easy to put the freshness back. In fact, if you've been together for some time, it can even become more exciting and adventurous than early-days sex.

The one big advantage an established couple has over a new one is the increased level of trust. This makes it more comfortable to ask for something different and new that might be embarrassing with a relative stranger.

To keep things exciting, you'll have to go out of your way to make romantic gestures and suggest new approaches, but it's worth it. You can put fire and excitement into an established relationship far more easily than you can put trust into a new one.

In fact, people who have affairs often say they're looking for the love and sexual satisfaction they felt they weren't getting at home. But, according to research, even couples who said their sex life was unsatisfactory tended to admit it was still better than extra-marital sex.

Going back to the good bits

The feeling that the magic is fading is caused by the adrenaline charge wearing off. Sooner or later it becomes clear which way your shared love-making is going to go, and the knowledge that you both have a well-worn repertoire of sexual practices kills expectation and excitement.

One couple I counselled had exactly this problem. They still loved each other but felt their sex life had become stale and disappointing. I recommended that they start again. They realised that all the things they did to each other when they made love were based on discoveries from the first year or so of their relationship.

Starting over

Each had found touches, techniques and preferences that the other seemed to enjoy and had developed a well-worn routine, from first kiss to final hug. But their tastes had changed. Things they once liked were now boring, and they were ready to try things they would have been too shy to suggest in the early days.

Practical exercises

The exercises I asked this couple to try are in our practical exercises section. There are lots of ideas to help you revitalise your sex life, and tips and techniques to print out and try.

Sex therapy

If you're having problems in your sex life you may want to consider getting professional help. Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall explains how to decide whether sex therapy is for you.

What is sex therapy?

Sex therapy offers help for people with sexual problems. In the trade it's usually referred to as psychosexual therapy, or PST for short.

It's been around for over 40 years now, so it's not a newfangled trend. It has proven success rates and is a service which is regularly referred to by counsellors, GPs and other medical professionals.

Sex therapists are trained counsellors or medical professionals who've undertaken additional training in the physical and psychological issues associated with sexual functioning.

What sort of problems do therapists deal with?

The problems fit into three basic categories: can't get it up, can't get it in, can't be bothered. In fact, therapists tackle pretty much any sexual problem that isn't sorting itself out! It may be a problem you've had for ages or it might be something that's developed after a previously good sex life. You may know exactly what has caused your particular problem - or like many, you may be mystified.

Some sexual problems are purely physical. They could result from disability, illness or a side-effect of medication. Some are purely psychological, originating in negative childhood messages or sexual trauma. Or perhaps the problem stems from relationship difficulties. The majority of problems have a combination of physical and psychological elements.

Typical problems resolved

• Erection problems
• Ejaculating too quickly
• Difficulty reaching orgasm
• Painful intercourse
• Problems with penetration
• Can't get sexually excited
• Gone off it altogether
• Sexual addiction

What sort of people go?

There's no one type of person who sees a sex therapist. You may be gay, straight or bisexual. I've seen people in their teens and in their 70s. I've seen unemployed barristers, Muslim virgins and Anglican priests. If you have a partner who won't go for therapy, you may still find, as may have, that a few sessions on your own can be really helpful.

It seems to be harder for some people than others to ask for help about sexual problems. It's a very personal subject and most of us have been brought up with the myth that sex should always come naturally.

But, in reality, sexual problems affect pretty much everyone at some stage in their life. For some the problem resolves itself over time, but for others it's very valuable to call in the experts.

How do I find a therapist?

There are a number of places you can go to for psychosexual therapy, but it varies around the country so check your local area. It largely depends on how much you can afford to pay.

• If you're not financially challenged you could see a private therapist who will charge around £40 a session. The best place to find a reputable one is via the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy (BASRT).
• Most Relate centres offer sex therapy and, contrary to popular belief, many don't have a long waiting list. You'll be asked to pay whatever you can afford - usually between £5 and £50.
• If you want to go the NHS route, ask your GP. They'll tell you where the nearest NHS service is available.
• Where ever you go, make sure your therapist is fully qualified. And if you're not happy that they understand your problem, find someone else.

Remember that sex is meant to be fun. If your sex life isn't fun any more, think about going for some help.

How does it work?

First, your therapist will discuss the problem with you and help you identify if the cause is physical, psychological or a combination of the two. If you're in a relationship, you'll also explore if there are any unresolved tensions or anxieties that are significant.

You may decide that relationship counselling would be useful to resolve some particular issues. If that's the case, you may do that with your therapist or you may see someone else and then return to your therapist to sort out the sexual problem.

Your therapist will put together a personalised plan of exercises for you (and your partner if you've got one) to do at home. These exercises will help you grow in self-awareness, sexual knowledge and sexual skills. At the same time, they will help to persuade your body to respond to sensual and sexual stimulation and overcome your specific problem.